As a transwoman that has undergone transition, hormone replacement therapy, breast augmentation and gender reassignment surgery, I can imagine you have quite a few questions. You may have some fears, inhibitions, concerns, worries and maybe even struggling with the decision this person in your life has made.
It's ok to be scared, it's ok to be worried, it's ok to be concerned, it's ok to be objective. Those are all of the good traits of a good friend, co-worker or family member. It shows you care about their well-being. But remember that this is their life. They didn't make a decision or a choice to be this way, but they have made a decision to deal with it and do something about it.
What's not ok is to be ugly about it. Transgender people are very fragile from an emotional and psychological aspect. They need your love, your support, your friendship. They need an ally and they need to know someone is in their corner that they can talk to. They don't need your hate, your name calling, persecution, ugliness, rude comments, nasty attitude and they don't need your judgements, religious righteousness.
So what exactly is TRANSGENDER?
Trans means "across" and the definition of gender is as follows.
gen·der
ˈjendər/
noun
- 1.the state of being male or female (typically used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones).
"traditional concepts of gender"
synonyms: sex
"variables included age, income, and gender" - 2.GRAMMAR(in languages such as Latin, Greek, Russian, and German) each of the classes (typically masculine, feminine, common, neuter) of nouns and pronouns distinguished by the different inflections that they have and require in words syntactically associated with them. Grammatical gender is only very loosely associated with natural distinctions of sex.
So in a sense, transgender means across genders or to cross genders. A person can go from male to female, female to male, intersex to male, intersex to female. There are other non-binary genders but I won't be going into them on this blog. I'm addressing male to female, female to male and intersex. I'll cover the terminology in another post.
Transgender people are NOT mentally ill, they are not freaks, weirdos, perverts, pedophiles or sexual predators. The DSM-V removed gender dysphoria (previously called gender identity disorder) as a mental disorder in 2012 prior to the publishing of the DSM-V. The DSM is "The Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders". V is the roman numeral for version 5.
Homosexuality was once categorized as a mental disorder and was later removed in the 1970's. As a transgender woman, I want to make it very clear, NO ONE chooses to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Why would anyone choose to be persecuted, hated, attacked and subject themselves voluntarily to bigotry, ugliness and violence? NO ONE would.
People are born this way. The science behind why people are born this way has not yet been figured out. One day hopefully that will be possible.
Respecting a Transgender Person
There are several ways you can respect a transgender person.
Be friendly
Be open to discussion
Be open-minded
If a male is transitioning to a female, refer to them with female pronouns. She, her, female, ma'am, miss, Ms., lady, woman, girl or their chosen name (e.g. Sally, Nancy, Ruth, etc).
If a female is transitioning to a male, refer to them with male pronouns. He, him, male, Mister, Sir, boy, dude, bro, man, mang or their chose name (.e.g. Dave, Ray, Mark, etc).
Never EVER out someone. Outing them means revealing their transgender status to others without their permission first. Don't run out and tell all of your mutual friends that Chris is now Christina and he is transitioning to be a girl and is going to cut his dick off. This is the single worst thing you can do. Doing this will emotionally destroy a transgender individual. It's not right and it's not fair to do this to anyone, under ANY circumstances EVER.
Do not EVER post a transgender persons before and after pictures without their permission.
Doing so can make them a target for harassment and violence. Sadly there are people out there that "HUNT" transgender people and hurt them and/or kill them.
Always respect their privacy, their feelings and be supportive.
You don't have to like their decision, you don't have to agree with their decision, but you should always respect their decision. They know themselves better than anyone else does. You have NO IDEA what they are going through, thinking, feeling, experiencing or the hell they are enduring.
You can't tell if someone is transgender just by looking.
Transgender people don't all look a certain way or come from the same background, and many may not appear "visibly trans." It's not possible to look around a room and "see" if there are any transgender people. (It would be like a straight person looking around the room to "see" if there are any gay people.) You should assume that there may be transgender people at any gathering.
Don't make assumptions about a transgender person's sexual orientation.
Gender identity is different than sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is about who we're attracted to. Gender identity is about our own personal sense of being male or female (or someone outside that binary.) Transgender people can be gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight.
If you don't know what pronouns to use, listen first.
If you're unsure which pronoun a person prefers, listen first to the pronoun other people use when referring to that person. Someone who knows the person well will probably use the correct pronoun. If you must ask which pronoun the person prefers, start with your own. For example, "Hi, I'm Dani and I prefer the pronouns she and her. What about you?" Then use that person's preferred pronoun and encourage others to do so. If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun, apologize quickly and sincerely, then move on. The bigger deal you make out of the situation, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone.
Don't ask a transgender person what their "real name" is.
For some transgender people, being associated with their birth name is a tremendous source of anxiety, or it is simply a part of their life they wish to leave behind. Respect the name a transgender person is currently using. If you happen to know the name someone was given at birth but no longer uses, don't share it without the person's explicit permission. Similarly, don't share photos of someone from before their transition, unless you have their permission.
Understand the differences between "coming out" as lesbian, bisexual, or gay and "coming out" as transgender.
"Coming out" to other people as lesbian, gay, or bisexual is typically seen as revealing a truth that allows others to know your authentic self. The LGB community places great importance and value on the idea of being "out" in order to be happy and whole. When a transgender person has transitioned and is living as their authentic gender - that is their truth. The world now sees them as their true selves. Unfortunately, it can often feel disempowering for a transgender person to disclose to others that he or she is transgender. Sometimes when others learn a person is trans they no longer see the person as a "real" man or woman. Some people may choose to publicly discuss their lives in an effort to raise awareness and make cultural change, but please don't assume that it's necessary for a transgender person to always disclose that they are transgender in order to feel happy and whole.
Be careful about confidentiality, disclosure, and "outing."
Some transgender people feel comfortable disclosing their transgender status to others, and some do not. Knowing a transgender person's status is personal information and it is up to them to share it. Do not casually share this information, or "gossip" about a person you know or think is transgender. Not only is this an invasion of privacy, it also can have negative consequences in a world that is very intolerant of gender difference - transgender people can lose jobs, housing, friends, or even their lives upon revelation of their transgender status.
Respect the terminology a transgender person uses to describe their identity.
The transgender community uses many different terms to describe their experiences. Respect the term (transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, cross-dresser, etc.) a person uses to describe themselves. If a person is not sure of which identity label fits them best, give them the time to figure it out for themselves and don't tell them which term you think they should use. You wouldn't like your identity to be defined by others, so please allow others to define themselves.
Be patient with a person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity.
A person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity may take some time to find out what identity and/or gender expression is best for them. They might, for example, choose a new name or pronoun, and then decide at a later time to change the name or pronoun again. Do your best to be respectful and use the name and/or pronoun requested.
Understand there is no "right" or "wrong" way to transition - and that it is different for every person.
Some transgender people access medical care like hormones and surgery as part of their transition. Some transgender people want their authentic gender identity to be recognized without hormones or surgery. Some transgender people cannot access medical care, hormones, and/or surgery due to lack of financial resources. A transgender identity is not dependent on medical procedures. Just accept that if someone tells you they are transgender - they are.
Don't ask about a transgender person's genitals, surgical status, or sex life.
It would be inappropriate to ask a non-transgender person about the appearance or status of their genitals, and it's equally inappropriate to ask a transgender person those questions. Don't ask if a transgender person has had "the surgery" or if they are "pre-op" or "post-op." If a transgender person wants to talk to you about such matters, they will bring it up. Similarly, it wouldn't be appropriate to ask a non-transgender person about how they have sex, so the same courtesy should be extended to transgender people.
Avoid backhanded compliments or "helpful" tips.
While you may intend to be supportive, comments like the following can be hurtful or even insulting:
- "I would have never known you were transgender. You look so pretty."
- "You look just like a real woman."
- "She's so gorgeous, I would have never guessed she was transgender."
- "He's so hot, I'd date him even though he's transgender."
- "You're so brave."
- "You'd pass so much better if you wore less/more make-up, had a better wig, etc."
- "Have you considered a voice coach?"
You may hear anti-transgender comments from anti-LGBT activists - but you may also hear them from LGB people. Someone may think that because they're gay it's ok for them to use certain words or tell jokes about transgender people. It's important to challenge anti-transgender remarks or jokes whenever they're said and no matter who says them.
Support gender neutral public restrooms.
Some transgender and gender non-conforming people may not feel like they match the signs on the restroom door. Encourage schools, businesses, and agencies to have single user, unisex and/or gender neutral bathroom options. Make it clear that transgender and gender non-conforming people are welcome to use whichever restroom they feel comfortable using.
Help make your company or group truly trans-inclusive.
"LGBT" is now a commonplace term that joins lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transgender under the same acronym. If you are part of a company or group that says it's LGBT-inclusive, remember that transgender people face unique challenges, and that being LGBT-inclusive means truly understanding the needs of the trans community.
At meetings and events, set an inclusive tone.
At a meeting where not everyone is known, consider asking people to introduce themselves with their name and preferred pronouns. For example, "Hi, I'm Nick and I prefer the pronouns he and him." This sends the message that you are not making assumptions about anyone's gender, and that people are free to self-identify. Start with yourself and use a serious tone that will discourage others from dismissing the activity with a joke. However, if you feel this practice will have the effect of singling out the transgender people in the room, avoid it. Also, in a group setting, identify people by articles of clothing instead of being using gendered language - for example, the "person in the blue shirt," instead of the "woman in the front." Similarly, "Sir" and "Madam" are best avoided. If bathrooms in the meeting space are not already gender neutral, ask if it's possible to put gender neutral signs on them.
Listen to transgender people.
The best way to be an ally is to listen with an open mind to transgender people themselves. Talk to transgender people in your community. Check out books, films, YouTube channels, and transgender blogs to find out more about transgender lives.
Know your own limits as an ally.
Don't be afraid to admit when you don't know something. It is better to admit you don't know something than to make assumptions or say something that may be incorrect or hurtful. Then seek out the appropriate resources that will help you learn more.
If you're a parent, just remember this...this is YOUR child, your offspring. They have ALWAYS loved you unconditionally, and looked to you for guidance, love, support and wisdom. As a parent, you should return that to them regardless of YOUR own struggles, your religious beliefs and personal values.
Your religious beliefs are YOURS and YOURS ALONE! Not everyone believes the same way you do. Every person believes in religion in their own way. Everyone interprets the Bible in their own way. Everyone sees things differently. Some people believe in God, some people don't. So remember, just because YOU don't understand their situation it doesn't give you the right to judge them or be hateful to them based on your religious values. Those are your values. They may not be the views of your child.
For parents struggling with a child's decision to transition, I highly suggest you consult with a therapist and work through your issues. Include your child if he/she is open to it. You can also attend support groups with your child. Most major cities offer a multitude of transgender support groups. Tackling this situation together makes things easier on you and it makes things easier on your child and it makes the entire process less stressful.
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